My mom and dad divorced when I was 5 years old and before that my dad was my first love. Everyday he sang to me and told me how beautiful I was. Thinking back I can here him singing that song, "You are so beautiful to me can't you see, you're everything that I hope for you're everything that I need, you are so beautiful to me." I was his only girl and he was the only man that I thought the sun shined on. After splitting with my mom and remarrying all that went away and eventually so did he. Me being five at the time, I didn't really understand and all I knew is that I wanted my family back together and my dad back in my life. We moved to another state and moved with my maternal grandmom who already had a full house. There were grown uncles and aunts living there who never treated us like we were part of the family. We were always referred to as the bad kids in the family the one that would grow up to be nothing because we were the only children in the family whose mom and dad was not together. We were picked on, talked about and this was by our family. The people that you come to when you have a problem but as it turned out to be that they were the problem. My mom had just been laid-off from her factory job and the $75 dollars every two weeks that my day was suppose to pay for the 4 of us just wan't enough. Eventually my mom found work through the temporary employment service that gave her just enough money to rent the duplex up the street from my grandma, that was renting for $90 a month. It had one bedroom, one bath, kitchen, and living room and was located right next to a railroad track. We didn't care, we were so happy because atleast we could live in peace. Dealing with the sound of the train wasn't half as bad as dealing with our family who we would later, often have to go to from time to time for things like sugar, butter, and money for field trips for school. It was so hard to accept the $2 or 3 dollars from my grandma when you walk in on her saying she didn't want to give it to you because she couldn't stand you in other words she didn't like you. Being the child that I was I took it because no one wants to be left sitting at school while everyone else on a school field trip. As time went by and I started to go through the stage of puberty. I developed into a beautiful young lady but with a major dent in my self-esteem because of the things of my past. I began to catch the eye of boys and that gave me an ego boost but I wasn't prepared for the things that would come along with that. Not only did I catch the eye of boys my age but of old perverts who took advantage of the the covering that I was left without when my dad left us. Men that I looked up to and trusted were really wolves in sheep's clothing. Men that left me with an even bigger dent in myself-esteem because not only had my dad hurt me when he left but the male figures that surrounded me took advantage of the situation that I was in. I began to date and try to find that attention that I once had from my dad but that often left me in emotional pits. I was in high school, running from my past, and searching for love in all the wrong places. I ended up in so many relationships that I had no business in but I just wanted to be loved and to love someone else. My mom remarried when I was a senior in high school and things really took a turn for the worst. My stepdad was a raging acoholic that would go on drinking binges and pop pain killers in the process. There was no peace in our home, if he wasn't yelling and calling us profaned names, pulling guns and trying to fight my mom, he was coming in in the middle of the night attempting to cook and almost burning down the house. Thank God for smoke alarms! I managed to graduate high school on time after spending most of my high school years on boys instead of books. By the time I graduated, I was dating a guy with a loving and close family and wanted so badly to be a part of what they had. I don't know if I was more in love with him or the closeness and support of his famliy. After dating him off and on for awhile I found out that I was pregnant and I thought this guy that came from this loving and supporting family would be a loving and supporting guy and he wasn't. He went from the baby is not mine, to it's mine but you made me get you pregnant. To make this story short, he was in and out of my daughter's life, skipping from job to job to avoid childsupport, and just making a bad situation worse. I stopped going to community college to take a full-time job to take care of my daughter and I. We eventually found a apartment and my baby and I moved to our new home. I knew that I couldn't bring her up in the environment that my stepdad was creating because I wanted something better for her and I worked hard and got it. By this I was in a relationship with another guy that was going nowhere because he was very jealous, physically abusive, and he spent most of his time in the club. Although I would go to the club often also, I wanted better and I knew I deserved better. I had a baby at home and it was time I gave her all my love and attention. So I started praying and talking to God about eveything, my problems, my baby, my goals, etc. and he was listening. I cried everytime I was alone because this couldn't be the life that God had destined for me and it wasn't. I thought the hardest part would be getting rid of my boyfriend but it was the easiest. My next step was getting rid of the club and party scene and I did. I gave my life to Christ and he begin to spirtitually mend it. All the hurt, embarrassment, shame he took it away and he replaced it with love. It has been over 12 years and I have three wonderful children and a wonderful husband. My husband and I have been married for 11 years and I can truly say that I am happy, blessed , and I have experienced true love. So when I shed tears now they are tears of joy because I am so thankful and grateful for everything that God has did for me. All the broken and torn pieces in my life have been Spiritually Mended and God has all the Glory! Amen.
Let's stop just existing and let's start living!
God Bless!
ShaShaunie Peace
